Secret Vice...

Watching the American Idol finale.  It is unspeakably painful to do so, and thus far only made bearable by reading the snarky comments of live bloggers Mandi and Kate...

But I have to tell you guys, I could not be more irritated by EVERYTHING the judges said last night ... wait a second.

oh...ohmygod.  David Cook in the Guitar Hero advertisement.  It WAS David Cook, right?  Right?  Someone tell me it was David Cook.  He was prancing around like Tom Cruise from Risky Business with a guitar in socks and a button down shirt and nothing else.  And what does it mean, that he was in it?  What the hell is going on???  That was more excitement than I can handle.  I hope they paid him a TON of money to do that.  SUCCEED DAVID COOK!

Okay, I've calmed down.  Anyway, like I was saying, the performances last night, and the judges' comments, made NO sense in relationship to one another.  I, at home, must have been watching totally different performances than those three...there aren't words bad enough for such tools of the establishment as they proved themselves to be.  

Who the hell are these three high school students that someone gave instruments to, and why the HELL are they on the American Idol stage during the Finale?  They're freaking terrible.  Jonas Brothers?  Ah, the 2000's take on Hansen.

Gah.  Okay.  So I think it was pretty clear that the producers want David Archuleta to win.  And I cannot, cannot figure out why.  It's obvious to anyone with higher brain functions that David Cook will outsell Archuleta right out of the box.  

Sidenote - when the "I am your brother..." guy was replayed during the greatest hits of tryouts bit - Pooka got the funniest look on his face - oh god, they're giving that guy a mic again?  And letting him sing?  Pooka is losing his mind.  I think the guy sings in a range only dogs and bats can hear...there's a MARCHING BAND?  Oh god ratings must be absolutely in the toilet.  

I say Oh God a lot, huh?  Sorry.  My mom just called totally dying over the guy in the silver cape...she only started watching half way through this season so she missed his audition...bet she's sorry now.  Then the commercial break ended and she started yelling about it being back on and hung up on me.  For the record she totally voted for David Cook too.  And this is because she has taste.  No offense David A - but Cook could smoke you with both hands tied behind his back and his lips sewn shut.  Also, you constantly look like you're contemplating some kind of uncomfortable bowel movement...may your orifices congeal and your head fall off.  At least until David Cook gets a record contract.  Then you can do whatever you want.

I salute Jordin Sparks for refusing to become a human twig...but on the other hand - girl needs a better lyricist/musical team.  Her album - ugh.  That song Tattoo ought to be made illegal.

How much longer can they drag this out?  The fluff filler is becoming painful.  

Right, so back to the judges and their blatant sand-bagging of poor, extremely good looking, David Cook - I think it's pretty obvious that someone put words in their mouths, the question is WHY??  I've heard a few theories. Some think Simon was trying to rally Cook's fan base, that may have become complacent, to vote last night.  

Oh dear my lord - they've made Robert Downey Jr dance.  Okay apart from the ad for Guitar Hero featuring David Cook that may have been the high point of the night.  

Joy - George Michael!  Because you know, I haven't seen HIS face enough on TV this year (yes, I watch Eli Stone...bite me.  Jonny Lee Miller is brilliant.)  And for the record, David A will not be ANYONE'S father figure.  I don't care how enthusiastically he sings it.  Surprise!  They have David A sing the "young boy" line.  

Yup, there's George...

Wow, Cook is wearing a lot of guyliner...

I'm sorry - I couldn't blog for tension.  I am SO relieved that David Cook won.  And honestly, based on the look on Simon's face and the things he said, I now TOTALLY believe that he said what he said on purpose to get Cook's fans to vote.  Which I did.  For an hour last night.  Because I am probably a bad person.