Idoloonies In the House - Girls Girls Girls

Alright y'all. 15 minutes before the girls take the stage!

ARE WE READY? (I actually yelled that outloud and Sandy muttered "no." He sounded really depressed.) Don't worry Sandy, it's only 14 weeks until the end of the season!

Yaaaaaay!

3.2.1...cue Ryan.

Huh. His hair has looked better. Maybe it was the lighting. Think someone short-tied him. That's similar to short-sheeting only with a tie.

Love Crystal Bowersox's understated entrance. Bubbly people often annoy me.

Ellen looks both thrilled and terrified. Sandy's comment, "she looks like a gnome." And when they cut to Kara he groaned. Ugh. Kara.

Oh yes, please Ryan ask Kara a question so we have to listen to her talk. Gah. Gah with bells on. Randy, "You've gotta be great, or you gotta be mad at you. You gotta wreck the stage." Hah! And then Ellen is all, "no, don't be mad at yourself! Just be awesome."

Randy, NO ONE wants to be next to the dawg. NO ONE. Simon has wandering hands? He's got rolling eyes, that's for sure. Okay you guys know I hate it when the judges detract from contestant time but that was actually kind of funny.

Randy, no one believes he did it to you too. NO ONE. Stop trying to hog attention. Christ you're like the youngest sibling at the dinner table throwing food so mommy and daddy will pay attention to you.

Okay, first chick is up. Rough start. It almost sounds like her mic volume isn't up all the way. Paige Miles. Whoops! Someone needs to tell Paige that you don't actually clap your hands together when you're holding a mic in one of them.

She looked nervous, but I loved her finish. Everything can be made better with a karate kick.

Simon: Paige has the best voice of all the girls. But the song was wedding singer-esque. He doesn't think she believes she's a star.

Kara: She disagrees with Simon. She loved the song because Paige got to put her SOUL into it. Paige has a ridiculous voice, gurl.

The Dawg: Agrees with both of them in different ways. She's got this powerful big voice and she blew the doors off the thing with that big voice.

(Seriously, was I watching a totally different performance? Chick looked like she was wetting her pants and her voice was only so-so...)

Ellen: Agree and disagree with all of them. Girl must have been nervous. She thought Paige was very present.

Oh. My. God. Did Ryan REALLY just force her to say that she desperately has to pee on live television? Well, if her dreadful voice didn't finish her, Ryan put the final nail in her coffin by forcing that little confessional.

SHIT! Just turned off my tv by accident. I can't eat and Idol at the same time, it ruins me.

Ashley Rodriguez - she looks like someone. Who the heck does she look like? Gah. That's going to eat at me. I'll figure it out though you guys. Don't worry.

Doing Leona Lewis. Makeup is fantastic. But she's really cheesy with her hand movements. Yikes. Most of it was okay, but she went totally flat there during the repetition. I can't believe however that Kara is going to kick this chick's puppy but she praised the chick before.

Although I'd bet Slezak is happy that Kara called Ashley out for constantly singing ballads.

I can't keep up with all the comments, but they all thought she wasn't great. I just don't get why they thought Paige was. Mysterious, mysterious judges!

I love. LOVE. LOOOOOOOVE! this old spice commercial. "Look again! The tickets are now diamonds!" Love it.

Janell is up next. She's freaking bubbly, you guys! Bubbly! You know how I feel about that. But I think I might make an exception for her. Whoops, okay no. No I won't. "Do what everyone says I do best. Light up that stage." But no wait, she's singing Heart. I love Heart. I love this song. I might forgive her. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE MIC tonight??? It's sounded awful for everyone. Oh god. Everyone stinks.

The Dawg: I like your voice.

Ellen: I love the song choice. I love that song. (THAT'S MY ELLEN! CALL ME!) I like it, and I like you.

Simon: You gave it 100% effort and probably delivered 65%. It started off okay, but then when you thought it was going well for you you went off key. Song choice. Do something that makes you original. Simon thinks she'll survive this week. (Sandy adds: "because the pants are tight.")

Kara: blah blah blah blah. Blah. Blah blah. Blah blah. (Sandy adds: "shut up, poofhead.")

I eat during Kara's comments. When her comments aren't putting me off my feed.

Woot, we're back. Ryan's assuming a lot though, saying I'm "locked in" to Idol. Because so far, my finger has been hovering over the channel button on my remote.

Lilly's up. Oh look, she's like that little teenage boy who was living out of his car. What was his name again? From a year or two ago? The one who was obsessed with Brit rock and had that weird warble in his voice? Who dismissed the band and bombed so huge and then fled the scene weeping like the emo brit he was?

She's going Brit too. Beatles. Make a note people. Singers who live in their cars like the British. She obviously sounds better than everyone else, but seriously, there's something really, really wrong with the mic, or the sound board, or something. Everyone sounds tinny, distanced and weird.

JOSIAH LEMMING! That's the name of the emo warbly guy. Excellent. They should duet.

Ellen loved her.

Simon loved her too. Mainly because he thinks she liked the song. He's not feeling star power from her. He probably just wants her to dye her hair.

Kara - "You're believable. Something I'm not." She didn't actually say that but I wish she had.

The Dawg: "You're like a real indie artist who doesn't care what everyone thinks. I love the honesty."

So far, I'm with the Dawg. OH. MY. GOD. Love that they called Kara out "There's a TV show going on over here Kara." She looked really irritated about whatever she was yelling at Simon. There were hand gestures going on.

Doom. Doom y'all. Here comes Katelyn.

She's pretty. That's all I'm prepared to say at the moment.

WHAT THE HELL IS SHE WEARING? She looks like the 1920's mugged her, stole her clothes, and gave her theirs to limp home in. Is that dress made of pleather? Is it? Argh. Unnecessary verbal acrobatics. Very obnoxious.

Simon: It was very messy and I actually like you. He's just throwing a lot of adjectives at her. He hated her performance, basically, but he likes her.

Katelyn says she's been singing since she was in the womb. That's a creepy mental image, y'all.

Kara: "I don't think the makeover is helping you." I agree Kara. She's horrifying in that outfit.

The Dawg: "I like your whole vibe."

Ellen: "The girls are all strong." No ellen, no they're not. And these performances have proved that.

Show is devolving. Kara called herself a bitch, speaking for Katelyn.

Haeley:

Also singing the Beatles. She sounds FREAKING AWFUL!! Why is everyone off pitch tonight? Right there's nothing else I can say about that. That was a train wreck of epic proportions. If she survives this cut I'm...I'm...

Kara: "...but what I can say about you is that you come and you have fun. You're very pure. You make up for what you can't do with your vocals." Kara - that was way, way too nice. Someone call that the hot stinking mess it was. Please someone call her out.

The Dawg: "the top of the vocals, the sound is just not as pleasing as it could be. Sing the notes in a different sort of way." (Yes Randy, have her sing them in the GOOD way.)

Ellen: "You're sixteen, you shine. And I just love how...I enjoyed it." Dammit Ellen, NO.

Simon: "I thought it was verging on terrible. You were like a wind-up doll that never stopped smiling throughout the entire song. I thought it was a mess." YES Simon! My words exactly!

Why is she wearing a head bandage? Maybe she suffered some kind of head trauma. Like we all just did, listening to her singing.

Lacey: She's kind of likable. Although all I can think of looking at her head is "WIG."

Fleetwood Mac's Landslide. Love it. Does she have the chops?

WHOAH weird outfit! No. No she does not have the chops. You know I heard so freaking much about how awesome the girls were this year and so far they've nearly all sucked and what the F, you guys? What the hell? Is it just the sound setup? Is it my TV? Is it my ears? Or do they really suck this bad?

The Dawg: Called it terrible. Ellen thinks she's better than that. Simon: Thought it was depressing. Indulgent. Simon loves to accuse people of that. He's so mean. Kara: blah blah blah.

For real, her outfit - it looks like she tucked a country tablecloth toga-style over a tank top. Yarg.

Glee commercial. That's what singers are supposed to sound like, you guys.

She just said Nerve-Wrecking. Which is accurate but not correct. It's like mind bottling. You know, like when your mind is going around and around, like it's trapped in a bottle? That's right kids, I just made a Blades of Glory reference. I'll be here all week.

Chick looks like Brandy. I approve. Also, she handled the camera and Ryan really well just now. So far, she's a front-runner. Oh my god she's on key. I don't even know how to handle it. Hold it together Michelle! Hold it together, and you could come out on top!

Arrangement sucks, but the vocals are totally acceptable. *applause* Thank. Freaking. God.

Ellen: "Fantastic. It was safe though. It seemed easy. You have more in you."

Simon: "You're a professional singer. Not as good as the original. Not a moment in the performance where I thought 'wow' you need something to make you different. You look fantastic."

Kara: "you're commercial looking." Dammit. Kara busted out the first "commercial" comment of the season. That means we're officially underway here.

The Dawg: copied what everyone else said, basically.

Didi - "I sang "terrified" by Kara. And I was really terrified to sing it." Natch.

What. The. Hell. Is that vest? What freaking stylist did they hire for this season??? Who let them pick these clothes? For REAL??? I mean. Even I know better, and I'm no fashionista. Dear god. She looks like someone's grandmother knitted that for a table runner.

She's singing very well and I can't even pay attention to it, I'm so distracted by the outfit. Seriously she sang that well, I enjoyed it. And she took Simon's insults and thanked him for it. Good girl.

Oh my god. Kara is actually making sense.

The Dawg: where's the star factor? No outward oomph. It was sleepy for me.

Ellen: it was low key. But you're great.

Simon: "It's like your first kiss. Your first kiss has gotta be something you remember." *nods* My first kiss was Matt Bond, in the back of the theater during Mr. Holland's Opus. My friend Laura gave me this sage piece of advice just before the date started, "don't bite his tongue." It was all I thought about the whole time. And then, he bit mine. Amazing. I certainly remember it.

Three more songs. Dear god when will it end?

Siobhan: glass blowing apprentice. Okay, that's awesome. Awesome. And I totally dig her tattoo. She looks like the chick from Myth Busters though.

Doing Wicked Game. WAY low register. Her voice warms up a bit on the higher notes. So far, I'm intrigued by her. I may even be in love. I haven't decided for sure. But I might be. I am. She was fantastic.

Kara: Damns with faint praise! Kinda liked??? Little nasal?? Okay actually I can see that last one. But dammit she was awesome. And I was wrong, she's not the chick from the myth busters. I can see the actress I'm thinking of in my head, and I will figure it out. Wait for it.

Dawgs: blah blah. You've got a great voice. I would reach for bigger things.

Ellen: I loved it. I was just being entertained. I loved how mysterious you were. I loved how deep you started with it. I really liked it a lot. (I did too, Ellen.)

Simon: You really are a funny little thing aren't you? It's a very dark song, it might be because you're a very dark person.

She loves the song because it's haunting, it's memorable...I will pay for that on iTunes.

JESUS! FAMILY SHOW, RYAN!! FAMILY SHOW!!! "We know she can blow."

She's #10, y'all. And AHAH! I remembered who she looks like! Allison Scagliotti.

Crystal Bowersox takes the stage next. Here she is...

"Time to step it up. Mama needs a bigger paycheck." Amen, sister.

Singing Alanis???! Whoo...

I love her smile! I LOVE her smile! And she didn't let whatever asshole dressed everyone else touch her. Thank god. She looks great. She's singing great. If the judges do anything but give her high fives I will go nuts. She's beautiful.

Dawg: "you're one of my favorites." That's right Dawg, she's so good it doesn't matter what the song is. And her saying, "I like you too" was adorable. She's freaking adorable.

Ellen: "you add something fresh to the show."

Simon: "there are thousands of you doing this outside subway stations. that's the truth. you've got to do something that sounds like you." He's really trying to help her...which is nice of him. He thinks she's refreshing too.

Kara: "you were good tonight. I think you have greatness in you though." Oh god, am I actually going to like Kara? Am I? I'm worried.

So far, Crystal is my favorite, followed by Siobhan.

One more performance. Oh god it's a fetus. A horribly bubbly fetus. Send her back to phys. ed.

Singing "Feeling Good" - She looks like any second she's going to click her heels together and say there's no place like home. Did she just f*ing WINK at the camera? Oh god, she's like a female Danny Gokey. Make her stop. Make. the hurting. Stop. She might be feeling good, but I'm not.

Ellen: "Uh. I feel like...it was good. But you're 17, and I felt like it was very conservative. I want to see you be 17 and current and modern."

Simon: "It's starting to become annoying. It was like your mum and dad dressed you and coached you to sing this. Very pageant-y."

Kara: "I hope America gives you another shot."

Dawg: "What it really was, specifically, you were pushing so hard all the notes were going sharp. You remind me of Jordin Sparks."

I say off with her head. She winked at the camera, and she did the little Danny Gokey dance move. Off. With. Her. Head.

The only ones I think are worth anything:

Lilly 04

Didi 09

Siobhan 10

Crystal 11

And what the heck, the boys all look like infants!