We Love Boys in Cars...Buy Us Drinks in Bars...

Simon called Lady Gaga the most relevant recording artist of this moment in time, so it seemed appropriate to quote her for the title of this, Season 9's second live Idol blog...

Boys boys boys!

And we're on. And Ryan just said, "separate the men from the boys," and it was lame. But not quite as lame as his, "THIS...is American...Simon stop talking."

I was already afraid of Michael Lynche (sp). Then he threatened to eat me as he walked past the camera, and now I'm terrified. Seriously. The dude looks like he ate half of the contestants who didn't make it through Hollywood week. Maybe he did, you guys. Maybe he did. Does anyone know if those peeps made it back to their families after their American Idol dream died? If they didn't, I vote we do an Xray of Michael Lynche. Because it might not have been only their dream that died, is all I'm saying.

Randy just actually said, "You gotta hold your own since the girls blew it out last night." Allow me to translate that for you. "I can't admit that I was wrong about how talented the girls are, so I'm going to invent my own reality and pretend that last night the girls were fantastic."

Ooooooo...Ellen, covering Randy's ass by saying that we at home hear things completely differently than they do there at the judges' table. We'd have to, Ellen. Because otherwise the critiques last night were nonsensical and bizarre.

Toddrick Hall - Since You Been Gone

I hate spoken lyrics. Hate 'em. Way too much vibrato in his voice, am I right? He sounds like he's singing through a bad case of the hiccups. I hate the arrangement. And the backup singers are...there are no words for the backup singers. However he had a lot of presence up there. Simon's going to say he's a pretty girl.

Ellen: You're a great performer, you've got that stage presence. The chorus was a little rough. The singing wasn't the greatest. I love that you took a chance with that song.

Randy: You know I'm a fan of yours right? But what was crazy, right, it didn't even sound like the same song. You never want to take a song and completely obliterate so that we don't even know what you're singing. You know what I'm saying? Mmmm.

Kara: You're a strong enough singer that you don't have to change the song that much. You took a risk. The way you learn in life is by taking risks.

Simon: I think you came over as a dancer trying to sing. I thought it was a crazy arrangement. I'm all for taking risks. What you did was completely murder the original song. You can boo all you want (to the crowd) but no one would buy that.

Also, his eyebrows look like something off of star trek. You know I'm right.

Aaron Kelly, 16 - High School Student.

I like him already, because he sings Sarah McLachlan. Singing Here Comes Goodbye? I don't know, it was hard to hear Ryan do the intro.

Country? He's singing country. He looks like a child star who ought to be crooning on the Mickey Mouse show, or something. Seriously. He looks like he should be interacting with human beings inside large foam cartoon character suits. He also kind of reminds me of a very young Leonardo DiCaprio. I think he did a hell of a lot better than the first dude. I might vote for him. Even though he kind of looks like he should be starring in SeaQuest DSV. (Jonathan Brandis! Jonathan Brandis! You're missed, Jonathan.)

Simon: It was actually quite a good performance. And you're not even confident enough to know why you're here. You're a good singer, very likable, very cute, but you've got to take control of the song. You'll be here next week 100%.

Kara: You're my favorite kind of contestant because you have no idea how great your raw natural talent is. You did a great job and I think we'll see incredible things from you.

Randy: When you first came on I thought wow this is a big song for you but I forgot you've got those big pipes. Believe in yourself you can definitely do this I'm a big fan man 16 wow.

Ellen: I love how humble you are, and you do need to gain confidence without losing who you are.

Dude is 02. Give him a vote.

Jermaine Sellers - church singer and person who throws other people under the bus. Disser of the band.

Performing "Get Here"

Dude should stay out of the falsetto. The 16 year old was way better at the false than this dude. Aaaaaah! Off note! Off note! Jesus! Horrible screechy note!

Okay I don't get it. Why do all male contestants think they have to sing like sopranos? Guys, we like your lower register.

Ellen: I love your look, and I love that song, and I felt that you were singing the song more as a performance rather than feeling the song. There were a couple of times that you went out and off. (Ya THINK?) You were trying to hard. Relax into the song.

Randy: YO. It's a weird choice for me because you've got these big pipes. Try and be current. The look is hot. You were trying to do too much vocally with it dawg. Just sing the melody. Pull it back.

Kara: You wanted to show everyone what you can do. I think it's about making the runs meaningful though so that they impact the audience. They should be special.

Simon: It's the kind of song that a 50 year old would ask you to play as a request if you're playing piano in a cocktail bar...when you went into the runs in the middle there it actually sounded as if you were screaming. You've totally blown your opportunity with that, if you want my honest opinion.

Why doesn't ANYONE ever learn from previous contestants? Mouthing off to Simon makes you look like a big a$$hole. Unless you're Ryan. Then it makes you look like a little a$$hole. But also kind of cute and quirky. But again, only if you're Ryan.

Then after mouthing off, he says he got made out to be a diva during Hollywood week. So Ryan asked if he and "Michael" made up, and Jermaine says, "Who's Michael?!?" Dammit! Not knowing the name of the band leader!!! Dude that he threw under the bus! Amazing. Aaaaand commercial.

I could have lived the rest of my life quite happily without seeing Apollo Ono rip off his shirt with his chin, with the weird little furry racing strip on it, all jutted out. Make a note, NyQuil advertising team. Don't do that to me again.

Kris Allen is actually really fantastic as an actor doing commercials, on the other hand. He is genuine, believable, and awesome.

Tim Urban and Ryan Seacrest on a couch together. But I can't even look at them, because Andre the Giant is sitting next to them, and he generates a visual gravity well that my eyeballs keep getting sucked into.

Okay, watching Tim Urban now. His hair sucks. And by "sucks" I mean he looks like he was transported to American Idol straight from the '70's.

Singing "Apologize" which is a terrible idea because he'll never top Kris Allen's performance of it. I hate when the contestants shoot themselves in the leg like this, choosing a song that another performer made his own in such a big way. Gah. Gah with bells on. Also, his falsetto, (AGAIN!), SUCKS.

At least I won't have to look at his hair for much longer, since this is like watching the Titanic motor straight towards the iceberg. Someone pass the popcorn?

Simon: Congratulations making it back. But we made the right decision the first time around. The vocals were weak, the arrangement was weak, you don't come across as a natural performer. That wasn't good enough.

Kara: The music overpowered you. With your guitar in hollywood week it was more organic and we could get a better feel for you. You're likable, you're cute, and you're current. You gotta listen to the notes here.

Dawg: Dawg it was just really the wrong song for you. You don't have the falsetto that you needed.

Ellen: You couldn't hit those high notes and that was hard. You're adorable. Choose the right songs and step it up.

Commercial.

Ooooo...new Robert Pattinson vehicle. I'm on board. With Emilie De Ravin, (did I spell that right?), I love her in Lost, and I am fully prepared to love her everywhere else, also. Just like I'm fully prepared to love the new season of Glee.

We're back. Joe Munoz. He's cute. He ALSO looks like a child star. Was he in Menudo? Oh dammit I just racially profiled him. I'm a bad person.

Some nerves coming through in his voice, but he's doing better than quite a few of the others have. And at least he seems a little comfortable on that stage. End note was lovely.

Ellen: You are so comfortable on stage aren't you? You can see it in your eyes, you were right there in that song. Great stage presence.

Randy: Yo. Not quite the perfect song choice for me for you. (AUGH! THERE IT IS!) You did a good job with it Dawg.

Kara: I liked that you picked a song that I never would have thought you'd sing. When you started singing you were up front and center. In terms of the singing you were the most consistent of the night.

Simon: Look I kind of agree, but with this show you have to get out of the bubble. This competition can actually find stars. I don't believe you're that kind of artist. It was an okay safe forgettable performance. What you failed to do was show us that you have the potential to be a star. You've gotta have that STEEL in your eyes to show us that you have that potential.

He's cute. He makes me feel ancient though.

Tyler Grady: Described by Kristen (of Idolatry) as so ugly he's hot. And she's totally right.

Needs to figure out where the microphone is, and why his mouth isn't near it, though. I feel like I'm watching a 70's episode of American Bandstand, or something, looking at him. Am I crazy? Am I?

Simon: Plus side - People are going to remember that performance. Downside - partly for the wrong reasons. You come over a lot as someone who has gone to 'pretend to be a rock star' school. We know what your gimmick is, but you're going to have to change it up

Kara: Jim Morrison is up in your room and all over the walls and there's an obsession there but you've gotta do something more than just the 70's vibe.

Randy: It definitely was style over substance.

Ellen: I felt like you're copying the poses but you're lacking the charisma and the excitement. You gotta work on the singing and really get into the performance. Be an original.

Oh god! A new old spice commercial. "Did you know I'm riding this horse backwards? Hyah!" I love him. I love him so much. Does anyone know his name?

Next contestant: Lee Dewyze - based on Hollywood, dude sounds like Eddie Vedder. Playing "chasing cars"

Oooo. ooooooooo...

No, I think I'm in love with him.

Oh dammit that was a bad note. Get it back Lee! Get it back. Yikes. Wonder if the nerves got to him. Because he started out great, finished well, but middle portion was a train wreck.

Ellen: Um. I thought that was a good song choice for you except when you started kind of screaming it a little bit. But I loved the tone of your voice. Distinctive sound.

Dawg: Aw Dawg. I gotta disagree with E man. I didn't like the song for you. You're more of a rocker. It didn't quite work for me. I'd chose a harder thing you could sink your teeth into.

Kara: all I heard was strip it down.

Simon: I thought this was the best performance by a mile. This guy is a naturally good singer and I fought for you to be here, I still believe in you. Do what David Cook did, find a song and turn it into your version of...you've got an authentically good voice and I think you're going to do really well in this competition.

It's true. Because I'm voting for him. He made the audience go "awww..." He did, you guys. He totally did. It just happened. Also, he doesn't make me feel 60 years old. Seriously. I am so freaked out by the vast hordes of Archuleta-like fetuses they're parading around on that stage. Couldn't they find anyone older than 16 for the program? Doom! Doom!!!

Oh god. The Lynche guy is coming for me. He just made some kind of obscure hand signal at the camera which I'm pretty sure means he's gunning for me. I don't want to wind up in his belly, y'all.

John Park: College Student. Shania Twain loves him. He wants her to keep him in her heart.

"God Bless the Child" he's singing? Really??? Creepy lounge singer vibe. Unfortunate choice. What the hell was he thinking? He looks crazy. Hahahahahaha! Look at how annoyed Simon is at the song choice! He just threw himself back into his chair in disgust. Don't worry Simon, I did too. Or I would have if it wouldn't have landed me on Pooka's paw. That's what Simon needs. He needs a Therapy Newf to pet during these painful moments...

Torture. Pure torture.

Simon: You've got to have an incredible voice to tackle that song and you haven't. Zero emotion. It was a pointless performance, really. It was kind of like a copycat.

Kara: I actually agree. You've got a really big voice. It got a bit lounge-y at times and almost indulgent. (Oh. My. God. She just stole Simon's favorite insult. What next??? Is nothing sacred? Soon she'll be saying "for me for you" and "yo yo yo check it out")

Dawg: You've definitely got a voice it just doesn't suit this kind of song.

Ellen: I wish it was a different song.

John, learn this now. America does not understand Irony. Never say anything sarcastically, because we will totally believe you really mean it. So you should not have just said, "Yeah I just wanna get rich."

Michael Lynche - baby born on the day of his performance. That's exciting. Let's dwell on that some more. And on a personal note - how did his wife avoid being crushed by "this love" during the baby-making process? Inquiring minds want to know, Michael. But don't actually answer that question, okay?

Jeez - he bounces a little during the song and there are tremors in outlying regions of him a full ten minutes later. It's like watching an earthquake followed by aftershocks.

He has a nice smile though.

Ellen: You have so much personality I love that you're constantly smiling and happy. Great song choice. A few little pitch problems but it doesn't matter because you've got such a great personality.

Dawg: I like you I like your persona, and you like being this gregarious kind of person. But I got a bone to pick with you, when you picked me and Ellen up when you got into the top 24 that hurt, dawg. That hurt. I had to go to the chiropractor. (Michael - "What's this? The Dawg talkin' about being hurt??") Dawg: The dawg can be a little sensitive.

Oh man. I missed what Kara said because I was too busy laughing about Randy.

Simon: You were like the support act before the main act. You are somebody because of your personality. You gotta nail the song and make them listen to you as an artist. You're better than that (performance).

Yay! Monster snowstorm on the way! Hurrah! Oh man! A killer whale just killed a seaworld trainer? Doom! (off to google!)

Alex Lambert - high school student. Again. Jesus.

Just threw Mary Powers under the bus. She probably deserved it though. Hate his mullet.

This kid is about to lose it. Oh my god he's awful! He's awful! Jesus! He's really bad!!!! "And I thought I was doing well but I just wanna cry now" is freaking RIGHT. The smile at the camera is terrifying. The two handed mic grip makes him look like a five year old singing into a new karaoke machine his parents got him for Christmas.

Simon: I don't know who was happier for that to end, you or me. That was the most uncomfortable performance of the night. You were staring into that camera in a very uncomfortable way because you'd be told to do it. If you can't get your nerves together on a night like tonight it's never going to work for you. And you don't have to call me Sir, it's Simon.

Kara: I wanna give him a hug right now, I feel like he needs a hug. Your tone is crazy, you're giving it your all, it's all there - it's just not completely together. You have great potential. You're adorable, you have to believe in yourself.

Dawg: Do it with conviction. You sound like James Morrison. You've got a great tone, I like you though man.

Ellen: I like you too. I like that you're holding onto the mullet and you're not gonna let it go, I support you in that. Then Ellen made a banana reference. Then Simon corrected her pronunciation of banana. In short, she called him an unripe banana. (Bah-nah-nah.)

Oh man thank GOD Ryan talked to him just now, he totally saved himself with the few short sentences he just said. Talking about how he's only ever performed to coffee houses, like maybe three times and saying "I'm going to work it out though man I loved playing with the band Ricky Minor is the man, that's where it's at" or similar, and he's adorable. I might even vote for him, and his performance freaking sucked.

Blonde shirtless dude is on deck. Casey James. Self described as "just some dude." He's totally Zaphod Beeblebrox! He is! He absolutely is!!! Okay yeah no he's really hot. I like that he's singing Bryan Adams, which was obviously a totally conscious choice to support the Vancouver Olympics. Again, too much tremolo, vibrato, whatever it's called, in his voice. But he did alright, I guess.

Kara: Um Casey, I don't recognize you with your shirt on. It was hard for me to listen to that because I'm married, (honey I love you).

Ellen: I could feel Kara undressing you with your eyes. It was hard for me to focus. You're gonna get votes like crazy.

Dawg: From one dude to the next who were both models, I like you, it was a great song choice, I like the whole swagger you got. I like you too. Not in that way.

Kara: Can I say one thing seriously, you are eye candy, but you are also ear candy, you actually can sing really well. You can play and you can sing and you got heart and soul and I don't care what you look like you're still good.

Simon: One thing I understand is that we both were cursed with good looks. You absolutely chose the right song, it came over as very honest, very sincere, obviously the cougar here likes you...but I do actually think this was the best performance singing I've heard from you. You did great.

Andrew Garcia's up: musician and stay-at-home-dad. Also, crier.

The glasses are unfortunate. They remind me of you-know-who. (In Idol-parliance, He Who Shall Not Be Named *cough cough Gokey cough cough*)

Ooooo...he's singing Fall Out Boy. Love that. It's a stripped down moody version of this song. Interesting. I think I might adore him. He's very controlled. He sounded way more in control of his instrument than anyone else tonight. He knows his voice.

Simon: I was looking forward to hearing you more than anyone else tonight. But I was disappointed by that. Too serious, too indulgent, not original enough. You've gotta do better.

Kara: You took a risk but it was a strange version of that song. I really like you, I hope we see you again. You're great.

Dawg: I agree, they're right, the arrangement was really strange for me. I still remember what you did in Hollywood like it was yesterday. Go back to being you.

Ellen: That's gonna carry you for a little while. I'm one of your fans. I'm thrilled that you're on the show. When you shined, is when you turned and looked at your wife. It was too serious and then you turned and opened up and it was fantastic.

Andrew Garcia 12

Casey James 11

Lee Dewyze 07

Alex Lambert 10