Unless, (and this is important), UNLESS you are speaking to the pregnant person in question directly about how fantastic they look pregnant, then common courtesy behooves you NOT TO TALK ABOUT PREGNANCY SIZE OR WEIGHT GAIN whatsoever. Ever. In the pregnant person's hearing or outside of it. Just don't do it.
Some examples of things not to do:
1. NEVER tell a pregnant woman that YOU only gained 25 lbs during your pregnancy. This is the opposite of helpful - especially if the pregnant person you are speaking to has ALREADY gained 20 lbs, and is only 6 months pregnant. Just saying.
2. NEVER talk in front of a pregnant woman about how so-and-so put on SO MUCH WEIGHT during her pregnancy. Or about how so-and-so has gotten "fat" while pregnant. Because all that does is convince the pregnant woman you are speaking to that as soon as she is out of earshot, you will be saying the same thing about her to anyone who will listen to you.
3. NEVER tell a pregnant woman about how hard it was for you to lose weight post-pregnancy, and how you wish you hadn't "let yourself" gain all that weight. Gaining weight while pregnant is not optional. And unless you were face down in a Haagen-daaz container your whole pregnancy, (no judgment from here if you WERE...I wouldn't blame you), probably almost entirely out of your control.
4. NEVER draw comparisons between two pregnant people unless they are complimentary towards both. Every pregnancy is different! Praising one pregnant person's flawless and glowing complexion to another pregnant person who is suffering from pregnancy-induced acne overload is just cruel.
Some examples of things it is OK to do, depending on the robustness of the ego of the pregnant woman you are speaking to:
1. Praising another pregnant woman's size or beauty during pregnancy. Just like # 2 in the no-no column above, this may convince the pregnant person you are speaking to that you might, potentially, praise HER as well to other people. Which is nice.
Some examples of things it is OK to do, depending on the robustness of the ego of the pregnant woman you are speaking to:
1. Praising another pregnant woman's size or beauty during pregnancy. Just like # 2 in the no-no column above, this may convince the pregnant person you are speaking to that you might, potentially, praise HER as well to other people. Which is nice.
However, if the person you are speaking to has put on quite a bit of weight, and/or has complained woefully about putting on quite a bit of weight, then you talking about how so-and-so looks just like a beautiful beach ball on toothpick legs and has hardly gained any weight at all, is SALT IN A WOUND and should be avoided.
Especially if, after you have praised the other pregnant person, there then descends a very awkward silence which you OUGHT to be filling with similar compliments towards the pregnant person you are speaking to. Failure to reassure the pregnant woman at that moment that she, too, is a beautiful beach ball on toothpicks is a crime.
(Yes, that actually happened to me. No, I'm not over it.)
2. Talk about YOUR semi-excessive pregnancy weight gain. This is okay, provided you take care not to imply, by doing so, that you believe the pregnant woman you are commiserating with is in the excessive weight gain category with you. She may very well volunteer that information herself, but you must not do so for her. Similarly, it is totally okay to discuss your weight-loss strategies post-pregnancy, provided you do not imply in any way, shape, or form, that you are of the opinion that the pregnant woman you are speaking to will need that advice desperately in 4 months' time.
Some examples of things that ought to be mandatory to say or do:
1. DO find something positive to praise the pregnant woman about - her skin, if pregnancy has made a positive difference there - her hair, her figure, her bosom - whatever. Find something that you can honestly and cheerfully compliment her on. Because regardless of what you think about how she looks, pregnancy for most women is like taking a sledge hammer to the ol' body image, and she could use all the compliments she can get.
But don't lie. Whatever you do - DO NOT LIE. She will totally be able to tell if you are lying.
2. DO listen when she worries about changes in her figure, skin, hair etc. Sometimes all she wants is someone to listen. And if you've got a happy ending story about a similar problem that you faced during your pregnancy, feel free to share that. For example: if she complains about stretch marks, feel free to tell her about some lovely cream that worked wonders for you.
The pregnant women of the world will thank you.
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7 comments:
Amen, sister! When I was six months pregnant, my husband took me to Cozumel, Mexico, where I was accosted by American tourists. They were from the south, which I say not to assault Southerners (my husband is from South Carolina) but to let you know what accent to imagine the following 'conversation' in.
Redneck: "I saw that girl out in the kayak earlier, and I thought it was going to tip over because it was top-heavy!" {Followed by laughter.}
I wish I could turn on the tears, because that would've been the time to do it. Some people just shouldn't be allowed to talk in public!
I'm not pregnant, never been and I don't think I ever will be. But I question at what point does it become appropriate to discuss a personal issue like a woman's weight gain in public acceptable? I've recently lost some weight and people's semi-congratulatory "Wow you look great now" just makes me feel like I looked awful 30 lbs heavier.
Some things are seriously better left unsaid.
Shannon - I agree with you. But it's totally one of those cultural things that don't come up until you're pregnant, and then suddenly EVERY woman you meet is sharing some labor and delivery horror story with you, or warning you off soft cheeses because her friend went to France, ate a Brie, and spontaneously aborted.
And if they're not telling you horror stories, then they are talking about weight gain, and/or stretch marks.
It's insane, but it's true.
You know, if more people had the common decency to be “face down in a Haagen-daaz container” we wouldn’t have this problem, we would all be the same size and no one would be able to talk around a mouth full of ice cream. Perfect world!
Just as a by, the by, are we allowed to shove I mean “help” people face first into a barrel of ice cream if they don’t follow the NEVER rules? Just saying…
Nessa, I'm sorry I feel like my reply offended you. I wasn't saying what was happening to you was right. I was just trying to express my empathy as a non-pregnant women.
My oldest friend has been pregnant twice in the last 3 years and I was with her once when a random person came up to her in the mall and started rubbing her belly! It was so stunningly outrageous that I was shocked into silence.
It seems like when a woman becomes pregnant, some people think her body become public property. And it doesn't. And I well I don't understand where you're coming from, having never gone through it, I totally respect that it must suck.
I'm going to commit a pregnancy DO:
I have seen the pictures, Nessa, and I KNOW you look like a perfectly proportioned glowing pregnant woman.
And: I am 16 weeks and already 15 pounds heavier. ugh.
Just catching up with your blog, and I have to say this is spot on! I think we all have horror stories of rude comments ("did the turkey popper pop yet?"). Hubber and I agree that there is nothing more beautiful than an expectant mother. Nothing. Okay, except the baby. ; )
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