For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, Birth Plans are a sheet of paper you turn in to the Labor and Delivery nurses, and your doctor, prior to the birth of your child. They list what your hopes and demands are for your "birthing experience." Websites that helpfully offer "suggestions" on what to put on your Birth Plan list things like preference for drugs/no drugs, observers/visitors, what you would like done with all the bits that fall out of you after the baby, whether or not you want your "membranes" ruptured, (WTF?), etc etc. By the time you've written down your personal preference for every choice you could possibly make at the hospital, you've got a list of demands that will make you sound like Pregnant Pol Pot.
Websites will also suggest that you try and phrase these demands as politely as possible, and bring in a huge amount of bakery items as a bribe for the nurses, when you turn yours in. But let's face it. No amount of sugar-coating is going to make the L&D nurses like you any better when you march in pregnant with your first child and, in essence, tell them that you know better than they do how shit's gonna fly during your labor. I've been on a few nursing message boards on the internet, researching - and sure enough - the longer and more detailed your Birthing Plan is, the faster they start filling out the C-section forms.
With this in mind, I've been working on mine. Obviously I have to have one. Only neanderthals fail to bring in a Birthing Plan! (No lie, that's totally what the magazines, websites, and birthing classes make you think). But...I want mine to be special. I want mine to say, "Dear Nurses - we are going to be best friends. Honest. I am a reasonable woman who just happens to be giving birth. Also, I'm really, really sorry about the Khmer Rouge."
Thus, my ducklings, I present to you in all of its glory my tentative Birthing Plan.
(Yes, I intend to edit it down and finalize it before the big day. And it's entirely possible that I will chicken out and just turn in a bullet-point list. But dammit - part of me really wants to give them this and see what happens.)
Parents (hopefully): Vanessa and Sandy
Due Date: End of June
Labor Support: *name omitted to protect the innocent* (doula)
OB: Dr. G
Dear L&D Nurses - having done a little reading on the internet, I'm aware of how very much you guys totally hate these 'birth plan' things. I don't blame you. You know what the heck you're doing and, quite frankly, I don't. I've never squeezed a watermelon out of my girly bits before and even though I've attended all the classes and watched all the videos, I still have no freaking idea what to expect. (Although I've received the impression that it's going to suck. Possibly a lot.) So, before I say anything else, please let me make it very clear that the ONLY thing in the entire world that I care about at this moment is making sure Rhys makes the transition from aquatic high-kicking belly monster to air-breathing baby in good health. Every other consideration goes straight out the window when it comes to his well-being. And I totally trust you guys to do what is in his best interest. I promise not to be one of those super-controlling women who come in expecting to Earth Mother their baby into the world through yoga and hypnosis.
With that said, if he and I are doing okay I do have a few hopes for his birth.
Labor:
Folks in the room: The birth will be attended by my husband, my doula, as many of you guys as want to hang out in the room with us, and my doctor. We haven't invited anyone else, and are considering the event Closed to a larger audience. Please, if visitors show up, and you don't mind strong-arming folks - let them know where they can wait. Far, far away from me. Preferably at home.
Freedom to move: I've been told I should try and walk around, hang off stationary objects, drape myself over birth balls, and force my husband to support my massive self in a variety of strange contortions. And I'd like to try that, if only because I'm pretty sure it will result in some hilarious pictures and stories to tell people about later.
Fetal monitoring: I'm all about having you guys strap things to my tummy to check on the baby whenever you think it's a good idea to, although I'd prefer not to have needles in my belly/baby's skull or to have to drag lots of machinery around behind me while I attempt to stand and squat in a variety of ludicrous positions. Frankly, I'm not so graceful right now, and I'm afraid I'm going to break your equipment. So unless there's a reason to keep me strapped in, can you guys check on him intermittently?
Food & Bev: I'd like to be able to drink, (I'd LOVE to be able to have a drink!), and will be bringing some beverages into the room with me. I will also probably bring in some nuts and granola or something, which I might eat, but probably won't because let's face it - I don't want to eat that stuff now, much less when I'm in screaming agony. I will do my very best to listen to my body when it tells me I shouldn't eat anything any more, and if I DO feel like I'm going to vomit, I promise I will try to do it on my doula or my husband, who are the ones who say I should be eating granola in the first place, and not on you guys.
IV & The Sac o' Waters: If possible, I'm all about my membranes bursting on their own. If not possible, do what you've got to do - but I'd prefer not to have 'em ruptured until late in active labor/transition if they don't go on their own. IV - go right ahead and set me up for one in case I need it later.
Pooping on the Table: I've heard the stories. Ladies, if this happens to me, please lie and tell me it did not. If you can prevent my husband from finding out about it too, that would be awesome. Also, if it happens: I'm really, really sorry. Please accept the future bribe of pastries or coffee or similar which I will make sure my husband brings you tomorrow as my apology for having to deal with that.
Mood: My husband intends to keep things romantic, with dim lighting, fake candles, music and aromatherapy. I won't lie, I suspect that might annoy me when we're in the heat of the moment because well - that's how we got here in the first place. But he means well, so I'm humoring him.
Delivery:
Folks Observing: I'd prefer not to have a whole lot of extra eyeballs on me when my vagina takes center stage. I understand that students and interns need to learn somehow, but would really prefer they learn at someone else's birth. You guys are cool though, so please feel free to join us. If you're okay with my doctor, then he can come too.
Episiotomies: They scare the hell out of me. I have no problem with everyone oiling me up, putting warm compresses on, and massaging my perineal area like it is a pampered Roman noblewoman if it means I can avoid an epis. I will deliver standing on my head if it means I can avoid an epis. Obviously if it is necessary for our baby's safety, I'll cope. But eek.
C-Section/Pain Medication: If it happens, it happens. I don't have my heart set on a totally natural, intervention-free birth - these things probably never go the way you intend them to anyway, so why make plans? Also, my husband was a freaking huge baby and let's just say I've got a feeling about the one I'm carrying. If a c-section becomes necessary for my son's health or mine - then bring on the scalpels. As for drugs, if it turns out I'm a total wimp, (very likely), then I will be happy to tell you that I would like some drugs. What the heck is progress for, if we're all going to try and give birth like we're on Little House on the Prairie? But I would quite like to try and squeeze him out the old fashioned way because I hear it's healthier for both of us.
Cutting the Cord: I asked, and my husband said, "Yeah, I'd totally cut it!" So feel free to offer him the option. Personally, I think he'll faint. We're also hoping to collect and store the cord blood. On a related note - I have no desire to visit with my placenta, or eat my placenta, or in any way interact with my placenta. I'm very grateful to it for the past 7 month's of gorgeous skin I've enjoyed, but that doesn't mean I want to thank it in person.
However, my husband visited Nelson Mandela's family home in South Africa, and saw Mandela's kids' placenta tree there, and now he wants one too. So can we please bring it home with us so he can plant a tree on it, and our dogs can later dig it up?
Post-Birth: I would really like to see Rhys as soon as he's been toweled off, as long as he's in no danger. Placing him on my chest would be ideal. Warm blankets over both of us would be lovely. Because then he and I are going to have a little talk about how many times he's managed to simultaneously stomp on my liver while shoving his gigantic head down onto my bladder over the past few months. I will also be attempting to breastfeed him shortly after birth. I hope. Please feel free to stay and watch - I have a feeling it's going to be extremely funny. Also, pathetic.
After Delivery:
Baby's Location: If the baby has to be taken away for medical treatment, my husband would like to accompany him, please. If the baby does not have to be taken away for medical treatment, then I would like him to stay in the room with me, and travel with me to the post-partum unit. We've been waiting a pretty long time for him, and would like to get to know him better. I'd love it if he could be bathed and weighed and evaluated for awesomeness (Apgar) in our room with us if possible.
We're going to give "Rooming In" a shot; we figure it's better to get used to things right off the bat since none of you guys want to come home with us on a permanent basis. So please don't remove him to the nursery unless we decide that "Rooming In" was the worst idea of all time and beg you to take him for a bit.
Feeding: If my breasts decide to become more functional than ornamental, then I'll be doing my best to provide for his nutritional needs myself. I would appreciate any and all advice and help on this matter that you ladies can give. I have no idea what I'm doing. This is the first time in my life I've actually HAD breasts, and I am at a total loss.
Posts
11 comments:
Please tell me that this is, in fact, what you are submitting to them in real life. If so, please write a follow-up post of their reaction. I can make them cookies if you like.
I think even if you decide to edit it down to bullet points so they can quickly scan the high points in a hurry, you should also attach a copy of the full version. That way the nurses have something to read and chuckle about as they eat their pastries.
As a side note, I totally think they could cut the teen pregnancy rate by talking about episiotomies and pooping during labor to the standard sex-ed classes. "Squeemish about using those birth control methods? Here's what happens if you don't."
You, however, are obviously going to have an amazing episiotomy- and poop-free delivery. (Crossing my fingers for you...)
Nessa, they will totally love with and this birthing plan! It's not millitant, and you are telling them what you'd like, not demanding to go against anything they will likely suggest. I would add asking for a mirror so you can see what's going on down there, it is seriously the coolest thing ever.
While as a Guy whom has never and will never, have this issue, I think you nailed it. I've participated in this as the "Catcher" and the "Chord Snippin Guy." If the nurses aern't rolling as in ROTFLOL, let me know and I'll shoot them with some laughing gas. Sounds like you have a plan, a humorous one, but a plan nevertheless. As always the best wishes from Uncle Ted and Aunt Judy, and "Gma" Marie. The guys Ethel, Oreo, Luci, and Mr. Smooch (Ricky) all send Big Sloobery Sommchies to you and Sandy, and of course "Bob."
This was wonderful and I did LOL a couple times. I totally think you should hand it to them straight faced with no edits.
I too like the idea of talking about "Pooping on the table" and episiotomies on the teen preggo shows. Kids, it ain't pretty but this is what could happen during your delivery...
Crossing fingers for a poop free and episiotomy free delivery for when your kiddo makes his appearance. You'll do GREAT! and the nurses/doctor/folks there to help should appreciate your wishes/desires during your delivery. This is after all....yours and Sandy's big debut day :)
Love the plan!
Since I was planned C-section I didn't have to worry about a birthing plan, which is a very good thing cause it would have been bullet pointed, collated, laminated, and everyone would have been give 2 copies, 1 spare, and 1 extra for the chart. Which lets face it they would have taken one look at the thing and labeled me high maintenance, unfairly I might add. OK, no it would have been fair.
I was really big into making lists at the time (still am actually) and I wrote down everything I needed to do leading up to having the baby on a to do list. Including writing down "have baby" that's right I wrote "have baby" on my list. My point of view was I could then cross it off the list when the baby was born. We got a baby and the list of things to do was completed win win. I was the only one who thought so. FYI I still have the completed list, it's in her baby book.
Do it! Post it on the nursing boards where the nurses hate it and see how they react - and if they have any suggestions. Also, put the part about only neanderthals not having one in the preamble.
This is utterly awesome and will win you points. Don't convert it to a bullet list. It's just as funny the second time. The nurses will want a copy to post on their bulletin board
You HAVE to give them a copy!!! Nursing is a hard and they deserve a good laugh :-) I'm sure if you through in some gift cards to the local pastry shop you won't even have to bake!
PLEASE give this to them. You will be a quick favorite patient, which is a good thing. LOL
Update: I did, indeed, give this to them. And they did, indeed, LOVE IT.
Post a Comment