Our doula asked us to present her with our ideal birth scenario for class last night. Out of nowhere this total lunatic showed up to sing us his. Pay no attention to the fact that we act like we all know him and call him by name.
Lyrics:
This is called "our ideal birth"
We're in bed the night your water breaks
It's really wet and dark
But the epic flood of birthing juice
makes me want to build an ark
we grab the things we want to bring
the birthing ball and more
we race around the block one time
because we forgot to lock the door
And we're looking in each other's eyes
that's what it's all about
the beautiful smile and the warmth of your touch
and then your mucus plug falls out!
It's our perfect birth...
It's Birfect.
Months of waiting - anticipating
Nothing could go wrong,
We've got a plan
Contractions are getting painful now
the nurses are in place
and I ask if I can help you out
and you punch me in the face
the doctor smiles, he winks at me
he welcomes this new life
It's hard to take him seriously
with his fist inside my wife
Now he's got his gloves on
and he thinks he sees the head
he reaches in and then jumps back
and a foot falls out instead
It's our perfect birth
it's Birfect
Months of waiting, anticipating
nothing could go wrong
we have a plan
And I'll sing you this rendition
as you struggle through transition
You'll *garbled* instead of chips of ice
You wanna sit but you really should stand
but it wasn't in the birthing plan
a walking epidural would be nice
*moaning insanely*
Oh god! AAAAAUGH! OOOOOH...oooooh...
Give us some more drugs...
One more push and here he comes
baby is covered in slime
my father in law puts his camera down
he's been taping the whole time
Welcome to the world my friend
We've waited 9 months to meet ya
And mommy did it naturally
They didn't slice her like a pizza!
It's time to deliver the placenta now
The anticipated bloody sac
The only thing running through my head
why is my baby black?!
It's our ideal birth!
It's birfect.
Months of waiting, anticipating
nothing could go wrong, we've got a plan.
Oh we've got a plan.
A plan...
That was scary as shit. But we've got a plan.
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1 comments:
So now you're a birther.
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